34. ERRATIC RESPONSIBILITY
What Research Shows
Assessing a loved one’s level of responsibility can be incredibly confusing, because drug or alcohol use doesn't always look like simple laziness. Instead, it often swings between two extremes, depending on where they are choosing to spend their energy. Often, a refusal to carry their own weight is a signal of rebellion and the vestige of a person who is not fully disconnected from the dependency of their youth. The refusal to engage in the minimum of actions to signal the ability to take care of themselves, meet their obligations, or grow into a role within the family or their social system.
What You See
On one hand, you might noticed a sudden disconnect. As the cycle of finding, using, and recovering from substances takes over, normal daily life loses its value. They might stop doing chores, avoid family dinners, or refuse to get out of bed. This isn’t just teenage rebellion; it’s a sign that their focus is entirely consumed by their habit, leaving no room for anything else.
On the other hand, some people use responsibility as a decoy. To keep you from getting suspicious, they might suddenly become "perfect" in certain areas. They might do their chores with uncharacteristic zeal or jump to help around the house. It is a strategic cover-up—by acting like a model citizen, they hope to keep you from looking too closely at their private life.
Ultimately, the biggest warning sign is how fast these behaviors swing. If your loved one's approach to their duties changes overnight—whether they completely check out or suddenly try too hard—it is a strong sign that something is driving this chaos. When consistency vanishes, it is rarely a phase; it is a shield protecting a secret.
What You Can Do
Most often the best approach to regaining your loved one as a full-fledged member of the family is to start out small. Avoid anything that appears to be punishment for their lack of connection - isolation and shunning do not work - and focus on rewards for small gains in responsibility. Focus on personal and small activities and grow them by rewarding the activity. Gradually increase the amount of responsibility that you might ask them to assume. have them gradually accept that responsibility shows commitment to themselves.
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